papirfugl

The privilege of giving life to short-lived things

♫ “Miss Shanghai” by The Shanghai Restoration Project

Holding this song in my hand, I see myself walking upward, ascending the steep hill road which, last night, led me to his place. It’s eight o’clock in the morning I think. I said goodbye and left, let him sleep because I knew. And I guess I noticed, too, the way the street unwinded and unfolded like a lie, leading me into a cul-de-sac of self-denial.

I knew it, didn’t I? I knew this guy, and still, I couldn’t help but go. I guess I’m dumb like that, or weak. Or happy to think less about the way ahead and what it  holds, or doesn’t hold for me. This holds. Yes, the present holds, however fleeting it may be. To have the chance to be the girl who walks this walk in blue high heels, carrying even loftier dreams is… The lightness of that burden does outweigh, ironically, the pain of falling later on. Besides, the fall is not that harsh. There are worse things in this world than watching suns rise over harbours, knowing that a night just ended.

Last night’s teal blue dress still on, uplifted by this song, I realise that short-lived things are often fun precisely ‘cause they do not last, do not pretend as if they will. The charm of doing futile things, or, having all this time to think about one’s short-term plans and dreams. It’s not too bad, this being young. Appreciate the privilege of giving life to short-lived things.

Little great things

paying only 16 HK dollars for a tasty dinner. Nick coming over and bringing häagen-dazs at 10 in the evening. knowing Sherin. living on the 21st floor in the middle of Hong Kong. looking out my bedroom window on nights when i can’t sleep, and discovering that in neighbouring apartment blocks, people are still brushing their teeth. lying in bed and talking about Lumet, life, lies, and feminine and masculine rhymes. closing your eyes. reading sontag. making plans (not for Nigel, but for me). getting cha siu bao for breakfast from a local dim sum place. sleeping and waking up to music. sunlight filtered through the linen now serving as curtain in my room. hoping that we might work it out, someday, that time and space can be compressed, and distances erased. a bookshelf full of stories, memories and possibilities. drawing, or pausing to observe. having time to draw, pause and observe. hugging Mart. reading on the MTR. learning to like learning about the Chinese economy. making lists about little great things when really, you’ve already brushed your teeth and should be sound asleep.

★

On bullying

All it takes is someone bored enough to move, yet too stupid to suggest that they think before they do.